ii.Facing times of doubt

We all have an intellectual grasp of the fact that the journey of faith is not one of majestic, uninterrupted linear progress. Notions such as ‘the dark night of the soul’, ‘seasons of spiritual dryness’, and ‘times of testing’ will inhabit our lexicon of ministry. But awareness of such possibilities does not necessarily prepare one for their existential reality. One of the most painful experiences in ministry can be valiantly attempting to support the faith of others while being all too aware that one’s own faith is but a vaporous mist in a fast-blowing gale.

Part of the exhilaration of university ministry is being called upon to defend the intellectual credibility of one’s faith; faith can grow strong via the tempering of this process. Yet if this examination of faith coincides with the pastoral need to inhabit tragic circumstances, or with the testing vicissitudes of one’s own circumstances, the combination can tug away at one like pulling threads from a blanket made vulnerable by exposure to time and wear. But there does not need to be an obvious trigger of circumstance. Sometimes an erosive doubt can creep up on one with such stealth that it is not noticed until one tries to call upon a reserve that one no longer possesses.

In thinking thus, I do not have in mind the kind of doubt which is the constant bedfellow of faith. The doubt that chastens but also enlivens faith. I have in my sights those times when it can feel as though one’s whole vocation is in danger of collapse, a fragile construction sure to give way with the slightest provocation. The kind of doubt that keeps one awake at night, cramping and distorting one’s functioning, eroding one’s identity.

I have no easy remedies to offer, no guaranteed advice; but I do have some suggestions. First, if at all possible, confide in someone you trust. This is not only for the sake of support, but it will also enable you to hear yourself speaking aloud about the matter which can be a startling different experience from listening to the endlessly circulating and tangled thoughts in one’s own head. Secondly, satisfy yourself that what you are experiencing is not as a consequence of depression, for which you will need to seek medical assistance. Thirdly, do not panic. You are not alone in this experience. Rather, if possible, one needs to embrace it and accept it. It sounds hackneyed, but the change of perspective one undergoes can be a powerful learning experience (c.f. the Coverdale version of Ps 84:6), and certainly one that affords deeper insight into what is central and what peripheral. Fourthly, do not stop praying. Prayer must always be honest, so prayer can perfectly legitimately consist in ferocious questioning. Fifthly, in preaching exegete scripture, say what the passages say, bypassing yourself but also listening out for what the text says to you. Finally faith is a gift, not, sadly, a possession. It is not under our command. Thus what feels like the return of faith is not dependent on ourselves; this thought can give hope in the trial of waiting.